Bain

Everett Bain drives eastward on Illinois Route 63 noting a bevy of nothing in particular. He had reserved a room in his destination town but shouldn’t need to, certainty is a cheap comfort for only a charge plate number.

There he can seek respite from the road, in modest accommodations at least, with a shower then a newspaper with a few nips from his flask, mid-shelf bourbon of course. He never skimps when it comes to that. Sometimes he would read in a bar but only before the local chapter of snaggletoothed mullets commence stinking up the joint.

A newspaper is not information per se, as much as it would like to think itself. His earliest memories are sharing the hammock with his dad early in the evening, and if a nap came on then the final edition rose to the cause as a thin impromptu blanket. Not only would it seem cliche to ponder whether the paper reads the person, but to wit, Bain can’t manage to give any institution, let alone the fruit of it’s branch, yea, the suckling young at her teat, anywhere near that much credit.

Billboards swim by. Chevy pickups. Toll-free number for vasectomy reversal. Some bed and breakfast just 9 miles from some Lincoln landmark authentic German cuisine evidently hand-prepared by an equally authentic hausfrau, matronly, amply buxom and stout as a panzer, she’s wearing a bonnet for God’s sake. Bain often wondered how much it would cost to rent a sign along a rural stretch of four-lane and have it proclaim in the biggest letters possible:

BUTT. NEXT EXIT. 

And then, stay the hell away from said exit.

He’s greeted at the counter by a smiling young clerk who’d been watching a clown show with her kids in another room. She seems to take her time with the registration with a slightly lingering gaze. Bain wonders if her progeny have those clear blue eyes and straight corn blond hair. It’s always tempting to gauge possibilities even if he’d never indulge, not so much averse to disrupting a family as his personal sense of fortification.

There’s a paper machine outside the office but he rifles his ashtray for change rather than disturbing the lovely flaxen mother again.

Inklings IV

“okay...uhh...”

“yeah...”

“so, does it even *matter* that half his facts are fucked up?”

“evidently not”

“puts up a slide of Maiden and talks about Quiet Riot”

“yah i caught that”

“and the other day my mom sees an old Iron Butterfly LP i snagged at a garage sale and says something”

“did he even mention Iron Butterfly?”

“hell no, what’s he gonna say that it mentions the Garden of Eden?”

“i doubt that would be...convenient”

“what’s the deal? he just goes around to different churches...”

“and spends hours telling people how SATANNNN-UH has infiltrated any decent music”’

“and toys...he did a thing just with parents the other night”

“i guess everyone’s gotta make a living huh?

“heh”

“i hear they were completely fucked up when they recorded In A Godda Da Vida”

“not surprising”

“so...to be like God you just basically gotta find problems with anything that people actually like”

“hey if they say it in church it’s gotta be the way right?”

“i just wanna know, how did these people spend their younger years”

“yeah prolly locked in a shed for using the wrong fork at the table”

“it’s sad”

“it is”

“i mean, he...well, kinda seems to mean well”

“i got that sense too, but still”

“it’s just...dunno, if someone really believes what they say, does it mean they can be wrong?”

“well enough people seem to wanna hear what he has to say”

“true”

“what is truth?”

“hey now don’t be goin all Bible on me”

“fuck, this dude seems to talk a lot about spirits and demons, does he ever read from the Bible?”

“good point. seems it’s all about his slides and stuff he’s telling people not to have”

“see this? don’t look at it!”

“hehh”

* * * *

“so...anything making sense yet?”

“i tell you what...our friend, this bloke...in four days he managed to use up quite a bit of tape, and not just calling his wife...”

“*did* he call his wife?”

“yah, i think so...”

“you *think* so”

“he left a couple messages on a machine on which he’d made, you know, the outgoing message”

“ahh”

“yeah...but i got a ways to go yet”

“did you just leave it on all the time?”

“all four days, yessir, smart enough to stop and start when someone picks up, hangs up, fucks up”

“damn”

“no kiddin”

“any shit on your brother while ur at it?”

“already IS shit, end of story”

“so who’d this guy call, that you’ve picked up”

“heh, gotta do some digging....”

“what?”

“he called a couple places that were, well, no introductions...”

“gotcha”

“yeah that kind of thing...and we have tone dial now so i gotta build a gizmo to read the damn tones one by one”

“then how you gonna use that -”

“HUHH, ask me in a week or two”

“oh i will”

“thank you SO much, your thoughtfulness will be remembered for the next half millisecond”

“hey won’t those numbers show up on the phone bill?”

“kinda doubt it, he used a phone card or something”

“ohh”

“no big, kinda like a challenge you know?”

“yeah i know”

“good”

“so what did he talk about with those ‘familiar’ calls?”

“you know, i might have to have you hear that part once i transfer it, even without knowing who he called...”

“hell YEAH!”

“seriously, it was something about an advance...maybe he’s writing a book?”

“could be”

“only heard it once tho, could be a number of things”

“sure”

“although, just remembered, on the other conversation it was more like he was talking with another speaker or preacher, whatever”

“hmmm”

“yeah and...could have sworn i heard the phrase ‘making it worth your while’ somewhere in there”

“wow...”

“oh yeah”

“dude i just got chills”

“that’s personal”

“so’s what i did to ur mom last night”

“yup, she was laughin about it this morning”

“just tell me, turdwad-”

“that’s my name”

“shut up. do you think he suspected anything?”

“oh HAYELL no, i’s just a po’ lil ol’ chuch boyah shootin’ basket-bawwwls and goin out wid his geerl freeaynd-uh”

“you sound like a queer”

“yeww surrre tawt me weyell, mah mastah”

Inklings III

"so how was your day?"

"my day was good"

"just good?"

"yah could have been worse"

"i don't think i saw you"

"i was there, just didn't make it out of the wing but sixth hour"

"oh yah"

"it was ok, just thought a lot"

"penny for your thoughts?"

"is that all i get?"

"hmm. maybe a quarter"

"a WHOLE quarter?"

"just what you've always wanted"

"i know what you want"

"oh really"

"seems its been happening a lot lately"

"yah it's pretty hard to resist"

"it's pretty hard all right"

"what can i say?"

"say my name"

"Danni-"

"why did you say it like that"

"i don't know, like what?"

"you said it like you were, i dunno, in trouble"

"am i?"

"should you be?"

"sometimes it feels...different..."

"yah it kinda does"

"i love you"

"i know you do"

"is something wrong? i mean-"

"not really"

"should we stop"

"stop what?"

"should we stop...doing things"

"why stop now?"

"do you enjoy it?"

"maybe"

"are you smiling?"

"that's personal"

"i just don't want you to do anything you don't want-"

"uhh, hello, we've been going out for how long?"

"two years, three months and..."

"very good, babe"

"so are you happy?"

"maybe"

"sometimes i feel like I'm playing with you"

"are you?"

"i don't want to play just to play"

"we play together, don't we?"

"i just want to make you feel good"

"and you do"

"when we kiss?"

"even when we don't"

"you're too much"

"don't you forget it"

"what else?"

"hmm?"

"what else makes you feel good?"

"you have a very gentle touch"

"i do?"

"totally"

"I had no idea"

"you didn't need anyone to teach you"

"so do you really enjoy the new thing?"

"it has it's good points"

"it's freakin unbelievable"

"why do you like it so much?"

"honestly?"

"mmm hmmm"

"ever since i saw you in jeans, Danni Jeanne"

"which jeans?"

"those tight ones, stone washed"

"oh those old things?"

"they sculpt you perfectly"

"and that makes you want my ass?"

"absotively"

"oh so it's just the jeans?"

"it's the warmth of being inside you, being close, even the prickly little hairs"

"is that the only way to feel close to me?"

"i do right now"

"when did you first feel close to me"

"that afternoon at the park"

"which afternoon?"

"it was hotter than blazes and I was scared to death of you"

"yet you still felt close to me?"

"well, closer than i'd ever been"

"and you managed to kiss me"

"i can still taste the salt from our sweat"

"there was plenty of it, hotter than hell that day"

"and sticky"

"yes we were"

"and I got lucky"

"you don't have to try Nick-O, I'm already smiling"

"then I'm lucky once more"

"you know what i like?"

"tell me"

"when you release your juice"

"whoa"

"are you surprised?"

"i...i just didn't think you enjoyed it that much"

"oh I do"

"is it better than the other thing?"

"mmm, i don't know. that's awfully hard to top"

"you taste so good"

"do you really think so?"

"honest"

"even at first?"

"okay, at first it was-"

"it was what?"

"hey now"

"tell me"

"it was....different"

"mmm hmmm"

"hey now, have you ever tried it?"

"you wish"

"ha"

"just tell me one thing"

"anything"

"why...back *there*?"

"what do you mean babe?"

"i mean...instead of in front?"

"it's like i already told you-"

"well yah, that's why you *like* it..."

"hell yah"

"i just...i mean, if given the choice, why..."

"well...i suppose it's because this way is safe"

"umm, safe?"

"yeah, because it won't lead to pregnancy"

"ahh"

"what?"

"nothing, that's just...interesting"

"i mean, it makes sense, right?"

"right"

"what's wrong?"

"it's...nothing"

Inklings II

 "okay, so you taped this off the radio...THIS?"

"totally, it's from Chicago"

"isn't that far away?"

"well my parents won't get cable so we have that huge antenna, just swing it around and-"

"i've never heard anything like THAT on the radio before"

"yah I know, they call it z-rock"

"so they play all that satan music?"

"well they spin some death metal at night, sure"

"wow your mom is gonna shit"

"she shits all the time. it's gross"

"you're gross"

"one of my charms"

"can you get it in any better?"

"i got it in you didn't i?"

"HA - I mean the signal you dork"

"sometimes it does at night, I just gotta wait till my folks are done watching TV to turn the 'tenna."

"my hero"

"i know, when mom falls asleep with Carson on and I gotta tiptoe in there shut it off"

"a real ninja, you are"

"hiyahh-WAHHHH"

*****

"did you get the stuff?"

"well, most of it, grabbed the tap but still need the reel tape"

"that's right you mentioned separate stores"

"yah, rode my bike to the rad shack across town, to get some exercise"

"sweet"

"the dude who works there kept looking at me funny, like he was wondering what I'm up to"

"maybe he things you're cute"

"well I am"

"think it's anything to worry about, I mean, could he know anyone at the church?"

"i doubt it, prolly sits naked in front of the TV every Sunday while monitoring the CB for naughty talk"

"there you go"

"so no one will be able to tell when they use the phone?"

"nope, that's the idea, it just takes what it needs"

"have you tested the recorder yet?"

"not yet, but I need to...a bit of serendipity finding that old thing eh?"

"something"

"why'd that guy have it anyway?"

"they used it in his law firm-"

"and he just gave it to you"

"well we got to talking and he knows I'm into gadgets"

"ahh"

"yeah, and it uses standard tape, just moves really really slow so you get several day's worth-"

"gotcha"

"i still don't know why I need to do this"

"but that's not stopping you, is it?"

"no, it's not"

*****

"you play that guitar much still?"

"yah sometimes, to kinda vent"

"you need to start a band"

"with who?"

"just ask around"

"what, all those Skynyrd heads we got roamin around here?"

"why not?"

"uhh, hello, do you see much hope in that there gene pool?"

"how about the school band crowd?"

"whatever.  they do what they do for wholesome reasons"

"and you don't?"

"i got my reasons, just...not sure if anyone else gets it"

"that can be kinda cool tho"

"i guess. i did think up some decent names at least"

"oh really?"

"check me out, torn between Dominant Hinkley and Fescue"

"you sick bastard"

"what?"

"Hinkley?  the nut that shot Reagan to turn on his girlfriend?"

"i don't think Jodie Foster claims him"

"and fescue?  what the-"

"it's a kind of grass seed dumbass"

"sounds like you would know about grass"

"yahh yahh, save it for the judge"

"so what style are you?"

"hard to say, not really metal but still loud, but not punk either"

"you always make things so difficult"

"hey I'm awful good at it"

Inklings I

 "so you really did it?"

"fuckin a"

"so did you, like-"

"left the tape in his office and I guess he played it to the board that night"

"son of a..."

"yup"

"do they know who left it?"

"well I look at it one of two ways...either they figure it out or they don't"

"right, but..."

"if they do, what have we got to lose?"

"yah i suppose..."

"i mean, so we blew this thing wide open? and is it really a big-ass surprise?"

"for some folks"

"well sure, sheep among the flock, but still..."

"i just kinda feel sorry for them"

"i dunno, what's more important...you got some dickwad straight out double dealing, you know, and these poor sobs lap it up like some fucking kitten with milk"

"so you think they deserve what they get for, you know, going along all these years?"

"look, not everyone will agree with this, call it an eye for an eye, but to have shit, a huge fuming pile of it right there under your nose and not be able to smell it...."

"so he actually made those calls while staying with you guys"

"on your gramma's grave"

"what made you think-"

"ever had a hunch?"

"i...well, i suppose, if you mean"

"you know, just a gut feeling in general...well, maybe more than that"

"how so?"

"just, dunno, something seemed to lurk below the surface...you know?"

"yeah?"

"yeah, and...and I thought, hell this is my house and I get to record whatever I want"

"well yah, but if I didn't know better it sounds, you know, too...easy maybe"

"yah I know....it kinda feels that way actually, it's weird"

"so...this clown just walks right in-"

"i know, i mean, i've had a harder time opening a jar of mayonnaise for my mom"

"so what do we do now?"

"we wait."

*****

"look, the idea is not to make a bunch of rules but to teach you respect-"

"so we can't french kiss?"

"um, well..."

"can't we respect each other and still french kiss?"

"you can, but it can lead to other things..."

"other things that cause us not to respect each other?"

"yes, sometimes..."

"but not all the time, right?"

"tell me this, what kinds of things do you think about when kissing a girl open mouth?"

"i dunno, i usually just try not to fart or she gets pissed"

"hey now, language"

"sorry, I mean, she bitches me out-"

"okay, starting over"

"right, so no french kissing and no dancing"

"well, we tend to discourage close dancing at a young age because it's so intimate"

"that's actually kinda cool, i hate dancing, it's stupid"

"girls generally like dancing"

"so why do they get to have all the fun?"

*****

"was that your uncle staying with you last week?"

"oh yah, Dandy Andy"

"that's a cool ride he's got"

"maybe once upon a time"

"hey javelins are hot"

"sure, it'll pass everything but a bar"

"so you don't like your uncle?"

"yeah he's alright, guess I'm realizing things about him these days"

"now that you're older?"

"mm hmm, he was a LOT cooler when I was a kid"

"youth is like that"

"well back then he was just all shits and good times, called me 'partner', you know, just seemed to have it goin on"

"sounds like fun"

"yeah for me anyway, I guess he always got on my mom's nerves after he got to a certain point, you know, lifestyle and drinking"

"yeah some folks can't laugh about certain things"

"their dad was like that-"

"ahh"

"some nuts don't fall far from the tree"

"so do you get along with him now?"

"oh yah, we shoot hoops and stuff and goof off, yannow, but I think he only comes around to hit my folks up for money"

"wow"

"it's kinda sad"

"totally"

"but, i dunno, i try not to think about it, you know, he's got that laugh that cracks me up, mom can't stand it tho"

"how's that go?"

"don't know if I can do it, kinda like HWARRRR WHAAA WHAAAAA WHARRRRRRRRR"

"oh my GAHHHHHD"

"yah, it's...it's all Andy"